Developments, and how I feel about them: an essay

[varadia]

So.

Doctor's appointment this morning about the depression. I am now taking Lexapro. Has anyone had any experience with this? I feel kind of odd about it--medication makes me uncomfortable. I worry now that I've exaggerated my symptoms in an effort to make myself all dramatic (which is probably in itself a symptom, yay me!). I also have a business card for the woman I'm supposed to see as a counselor.

So, anyone who knows me is probably aware of my 'issue' with touching--I don't do it, I don't like it, and it freaks me out. So, I asked if this person could help me deal with that problem, and predictably she asked if I'd been abused. I said 'no', but I was diagnosed with precocious puberty, and so I had lots of medical treatments, which involved blood tests and pap smears, and I remember being held down so they could stick in the needle. I also remember that the pap smears hurt and were very uncomfortable. She says 'you were pretty young, then, maybe twelve' and I wanted to laugh, and was like 'no, four, or maybe five' and she was like WTF? Her shock was kind of funny. She wanted to know where I'd gone for that. I think she wanted to hit the doctors. It's kind of sad that the holding down needle thing happened in children's hospital. I think. Maybe it was Mercy, I dunno. Mom remembers it too, so I'm not delusional.

Anyway, that's apparently my problem, and I need to get it fixed, or I'll never have a relationship--she was very disturbed when I said I've never been sexually active.

*sigh*

Hopefully by this time next year my head will be more straightened out.

(I'm really weirded out by the medication-- I don't want to take it). But I will.

Comments

[rhiannonhero.livejournal.com]

Obviously you're going to be uncomfortable taking the medication, but I can tell you from experience that it will help you deal with many things. You don't have to see it as a forever thing. Just a thing to get your head back in the right space.

I took Lexapro and loved it. I had to stop for several reasons--one, I wanted to get pregnant, and two, it made me anorgasmic (is that the term?) and that just wouldn't do for me, not when there were other options out there that didn't have that effect.

BTW, if you have that last problem, you can ask for a "side dose" of Wellbutrin to counteract it. Although, I'm sure the idea of two medicines doesn't exactly appeal all that much. Still, as I said to a friend recently, you gotta pick your battles--and the battle for mental health, sanity, and life is probably the most important one.

Good luck with the counselor. I had a friend who was held down and vaginally probed when she was around 5 due to complications of a bladder infection (or so her mom claims, I have my suspicions that it was something else, but whatever) and she's had a hard time with sex, etc, too. She's now getting married and apparently quite sexually happy.

[varadia]

Yeah, the Lexapro seems to be working very well--it's definitely harder to talk myself into feeling worthless, so that's a victory right there. Also, it's easier for me to actually work while at work, so my boss is less pissed at me, so there's one stressor that's not as bad.

Victory will eventually be mine, I swear *grin*.

Well, as much as it can be, anyway.

Thanks for the info and the empathy. *hugs*

[gigitrek.livejournal.com]

Hi. I saw that you friended me and thought I'd check out your journal!

she was very disturbed when I said I've never been sexually active.

Of course, I have no expertise or even knowledge on any of this stuff, but I don't think it's that shocking to not have been sexually active at 22. I hadn't been by that age, either, and I don't have anywhere near your negative experiences with it.

Anyway, here's hoping the medication helps!

[rassatar.livejournal.com]

Me too, and I'm 23 now.

[varadia]

Yeah--I think it was more the touch phobia combined with lack of sex-type/relationship-type things that made her go 'Hmm, if this girl wants an actual relationship, some things are going to have to change'.

But I could be wrong.

*grin*

[varadia]

I think she was talking, not just the sexually active bit, but the dating--like, I'm not interested in anybody, really. I try to be, just to see what it's like, and huge giant 'nada' in the middle of everything. I ignore any sign of interest, because the thought of 'doing' anything about it, even, like just talking or whatever, completely freaks me out. So I repress.

So I think she's worried that I'm never going to be interested in anyone, and I'll have a harder time actually having a relationship if/when I want one, if I don't get over this semi-phobia to touch. Because I'm all snuggly with my folks, but not anyone else, not even my really really good friends (who are also snuggly).

Yeah, the medication seems to be helping, thus far.

Thanks!

[rassatar.livejournal.com]

On the theory that misery loves company.

You're not alone in your obliviousness. I don't even notice signs of interest, unless it's like "Hey do you want to go on a date with me?" Which actually happened once when I asked to borrow a guy's phone after my car broke down and was kind of scary... but anyway I've never been interested in anyone, or even really tried (though sometimes I do want to at least try; it just never gets out of the wanting stage and into the trying stage) and talking with you is about the sum total of my interactions outside of family...

Maybe I'm depressed too. I'm just so out of touch with my emotions I don't even know how to talk about it. I actually had a discussion with Mom recently that my three main emotional states are 1:reading 2:tired 3:hungry. She tried to point out that those aren't exactly emotions, but really it's all that I feel.

I should probably put this in my own LJ instead of cluttering up yours but it's late and I don't want to bother

(And in the spell check I had to fix my English spelling back into American. And I don't even live in England! Argh.)

[rassatar.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I don't consider myself at all snuggly though if you do "Yay! I'm snuggly." *grin*