Developments, and how I feel about them: an essay

[varadia]

So.

Doctor's appointment this morning about the depression. I am now taking Lexapro. Has anyone had any experience with this? I feel kind of odd about it--medication makes me uncomfortable. I worry now that I've exaggerated my symptoms in an effort to make myself all dramatic (which is probably in itself a symptom, yay me!). I also have a business card for the woman I'm supposed to see as a counselor.

So, anyone who knows me is probably aware of my 'issue' with touching--I don't do it, I don't like it, and it freaks me out. So, I asked if this person could help me deal with that problem, and predictably she asked if I'd been abused. I said 'no', but I was diagnosed with precocious puberty, and so I had lots of medical treatments, which involved blood tests and pap smears, and I remember being held down so they could stick in the needle. I also remember that the pap smears hurt and were very uncomfortable. She says 'you were pretty young, then, maybe twelve' and I wanted to laugh, and was like 'no, four, or maybe five' and she was like WTF? Her shock was kind of funny. She wanted to know where I'd gone for that. I think she wanted to hit the doctors. It's kind of sad that the holding down needle thing happened in children's hospital. I think. Maybe it was Mercy, I dunno. Mom remembers it too, so I'm not delusional.

Anyway, that's apparently my problem, and I need to get it fixed, or I'll never have a relationship--she was very disturbed when I said I've never been sexually active.

*sigh*

Hopefully by this time next year my head will be more straightened out.

(I'm really weirded out by the medication-- I don't want to take it). But I will.

Comments

[rhiannonhero.livejournal.com]

Obviously you're going to be uncomfortable taking the medication, but I can tell you from experience that it will help you deal with many things. You don't have to see it as a forever thing. Just a thing to get your head back in the right space.

I took Lexapro and loved it. I had to stop for several reasons--one, I wanted to get pregnant, and two, it made me anorgasmic (is that the term?) and that just wouldn't do for me, not when there were other options out there that didn't have that effect.

BTW, if you have that last problem, you can ask for a "side dose" of Wellbutrin to counteract it. Although, I'm sure the idea of two medicines doesn't exactly appeal all that much. Still, as I said to a friend recently, you gotta pick your battles--and the battle for mental health, sanity, and life is probably the most important one.

Good luck with the counselor. I had a friend who was held down and vaginally probed when she was around 5 due to complications of a bladder infection (or so her mom claims, I have my suspicions that it was something else, but whatever) and she's had a hard time with sex, etc, too. She's now getting married and apparently quite sexually happy.

[varadia]

Yeah, the Lexapro seems to be working very well--it's definitely harder to talk myself into feeling worthless, so that's a victory right there. Also, it's easier for me to actually work while at work, so my boss is less pissed at me, so there's one stressor that's not as bad.

Victory will eventually be mine, I swear *grin*.

Well, as much as it can be, anyway.

Thanks for the info and the empathy. *hugs*