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Wow. Last night my roommates gathered to discuss my depression and how they could help. Explain to me why it felt like an intervention instead. Because the sure-fire way to help a depressed person who's going to counseling is to gather and basically ask "why aren't you getting any better?" while listing all my faults and they way I drive people away and how my sarcasm and cynicism and my 'constant' criticism makes people think I'm stuck up and snobby and elitist, and how I put people through guilt trips, and how if I think I've done something wrong I should ask, it isn't all their responsibility, and how I have to meet people half way in order to be a friend, and how my habit of talking during movies is annoying and . . . . well . . . yeah. So the "how can we help, we see you being depressed and we don't know what to do" died a quick death. Or a prolonged and agonizing one, I'm not sure.
And I feel worse than I did before they started trying to help.
Cue the "But I saw college as a fresh start, a way to overcome the stereotype, and yes, I'm myself, but I still give people a chance . . . ."
Okay, when, I ask those of you who know, have I not given someone a chance? I mean, really seriously cut them dead in the water with no prior info, no prior experience, no actual anything to indicate this might be an okay solution?
Anyone?
I thought not.
And they kept saying, i don't understand why you feel so bad, and telling me that the problem is that I don't like myself, and that's why I don't trust other people . . . . which is all true, but it's nothing new or earth shattering, and I'm working on removing those blocks and stuff as best I can. Also, maybe I don't trust other people with stuff that's important to me (and this doesn't mean not mom, or dad, or scott, or pete, or lauren, or kate, or sarah, or sara, or nat, or ellen, or jeff, or dave, or whole scads of other people, it just means people that I don't tell important stuff too . . . wow, i see a pattern developing .. . weird) because they give me crap and use it against me or just plain don't give a flying fuck.
And since when it is a sin to be negative or express an unfavorable opinion. Okay, mockery of something someone else likes may not be a way to express how valueless or unimportant you consider something, but . . . but . . . I never mean it, I'm just joking, trying to put an amusing or sarcastic spin on stuff . . . . how come other people get away with it, but when I do it it's wrong and upsetting, but no one tells me that it's upsetting?
See, I end up feeling like a horrible person, a bad friend, and one of the most unpleasant people you'll ever meet, especially if we're not close close close friends or family.
None of which, I think, is true. If it is, would someone please let me know?
Thanks.
And I feel worse than I did before they started trying to help.
Cue the "But I saw college as a fresh start, a way to overcome the stereotype, and yes, I'm myself, but I still give people a chance . . . ."
Okay, when, I ask those of you who know, have I not given someone a chance? I mean, really seriously cut them dead in the water with no prior info, no prior experience, no actual anything to indicate this might be an okay solution?
Anyone?
I thought not.
And they kept saying, i don't understand why you feel so bad, and telling me that the problem is that I don't like myself, and that's why I don't trust other people . . . . which is all true, but it's nothing new or earth shattering, and I'm working on removing those blocks and stuff as best I can. Also, maybe I don't trust other people with stuff that's important to me (and this doesn't mean not mom, or dad, or scott, or pete, or lauren, or kate, or sarah, or sara, or nat, or ellen, or jeff, or dave, or whole scads of other people, it just means people that I don't tell important stuff too . . . wow, i see a pattern developing .. . weird) because they give me crap and use it against me or just plain don't give a flying fuck.
And since when it is a sin to be negative or express an unfavorable opinion. Okay, mockery of something someone else likes may not be a way to express how valueless or unimportant you consider something, but . . . but . . . I never mean it, I'm just joking, trying to put an amusing or sarcastic spin on stuff . . . . how come other people get away with it, but when I do it it's wrong and upsetting, but no one tells me that it's upsetting?
See, I end up feeling like a horrible person, a bad friend, and one of the most unpleasant people you'll ever meet, especially if we're not close close close friends or family.
None of which, I think, is true. If it is, would someone please let me know?
Thanks.
From:
no subject
*zen hugs*
You made me feel better.
We'd better do something this summer, don't let me talk myself out of any of that, okay?