Oh, god, my lameness knows no bounds

[varadia]

Christ!

There was a poster presentation today for the 2nd year grad students, and I went.

Here's where the loser bit comes in. I don't really socialize much, mostly because I don't like it, and partly because I live at home and so I don't have to socialize much--if I need to talk to someone, I can just talk to my parents, or my brother, or my friends from home.

So anyway, no one talks to me, and I feel isolated and awkward and completely out of place. It's winter, and I've been tending toward depression for the past couple of weeks, so of course this sends me completely over the edge, and I go to the bathroom and cry.

See? Lame.

Also, I'm doing that stupid thing where I feel myself completley incapable of what I'm trying to do--I feel like such a fake and a hack and whatever, and I just am talking myself into feeling like so much more shit than I need to feel.

And again, with the lameness. And with the lameness and the depression comes the paranoia, in which I feel like everyone is laughing at me behind my back, or pitying the poor little girl that is so hesitant and uncertain and whatever, and GOD I am pathetic.

Okay.

I'll get over it, but I hate feeling it while I feel it.

Damn everything to the bottomless pit. Bloody fucking hell.

That is all.

Comments

[punkdoc.livejournal.com]

You seem to have a good understanding that it's the depression that is making you think negatively about yourself or feel that others are reacting negatively toward you. Just keep reminding yourself of that -- there's nothing wrong with you -- it's just that tricky depression talking!

I can sometimes get pretty overwhelmed in a large group of strangers. I rememeber seeing a program once on shyness, and how there's probably a genetic component -- some people are just born more shy than others. Some of us are just more comfortable with small groups or individual friends.

Hang in there!

[varadia]

Thanks!

The hardest part, for me, I think, is being in a lab where everyone else, pretty much, loves to socialize in big groups.

Everyone is like 'ski trip while the boss is away, whee!' and I'm all, 'I'll be over here, reading my book, have fun in the snow!'

Which, you know, kind of paints me as a snob, sometimes.

[rhiannonhero.livejournal.com]

This happens to me, too. Everytime. It sucks. *hugs you*

[varadia]

Thanks. *hugs back*

I wish it were a simple matter of mind over body--knowing that I just have to make the effort to talk and it will work out, because people inherently want to talk to other people--but this never seems to work.