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Meme-ing up the joint, this week, and really wondering what, if anything, I am disturbingly mysterious about--
Is there anything that you want to know about me? And how I work? Apart from the fact that I am a scarily overworked grad student with an immense affection for music, books, and glitter?
*cough*
Except ixnay on the itterglay.
Yeah.
*g*
You know the drill, anonymous is a go, IP logging is off, and I reserve the right to screen/not answer if you hit on something particularly sensitive.
Is there anything that you want to know about me? And how I work? Apart from the fact that I am a scarily overworked grad student with an immense affection for music, books, and glitter?
*cough*
Except ixnay on the itterglay.
Yeah.
*g*
You know the drill, anonymous is a go, IP logging is off, and I reserve the right to screen/not answer if you hit on something particularly sensitive.
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*realizes word pattern is recognizable anyway. fuck it*
Intimacy issues -- why?
Feel free to correct me/not answer.
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I like to play.
Yes.
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I think *considers* I think there are basically two parts to it. The first part is the stuff that made me all 'uh, no' about sexual intimacy, and the second part is why every other kind of intimacy went . . . not quite out the window, but it's a lot harder now than it used to be.
So. First part. This one's easy. Well, sort of. I had precocious puberty as a kid, which means that, at like age 4, age 5 . . . maybe even 3? I was going through puberty, so I had hips, breasts, body hair, etc. It was--the way it was talked about in our house made it very embarrassing for me, and I didn't want anyone to see me or touch me or whatever because I was different and it was bad and weird and wrong and not okay. Add to that all the medical doctors and things, and the constant exams, and the touching and poking and prodding, and quite frankly my personal space is practically inviolate. Especially . . . . like with my mom and my brother and for a while my very best RL friend--I am like a puppy. Everyone else, though . . . and for friends, man, I would like to, but I live in fear of something being taken as sexual, or something, I guess, so. I don't.
It sucks. I am pathetically touch-starved, but I've learned to cope.
ANYWAY.
Second part.
I am a shy person, and quiet until I get to know you, and then, even on IM, you can see how sarcastic and insane and weird I get. It's . . . more pronounced in RL. So. Imagine, if you will, a group of four girls who live together, and have known each other since freshman year. Three of those girls like each other a lot, and are very similar. The fourth girl--they thought she was similar, but it turns out she was just shy and quiet and passive and retiring until she got comfortable, until people started responding pretty well to the little bits of her real self she let out. And then, when she felt very comfortable and was herself all the time, up front and kind of pushy and impatient and demanding and sarcastic and calling people on their hypocrisy and just being real--that was when they decided she had problems and needed to be confronted about her self-destructive behavior and how she was wasting her chances at college and didn't give people chances and thought she was better than everybody else, and they constantly had to defend why they were friends with her.
And then the fourth girl cried a lot.
A lot.
And then she got over it.
And got the fuck out.
But now I'm a lot more careful. It's--not good, really. But I'm working on it.
So. Those are the two parts! The two big parts. There are lots of little day-to-day things in between, and whatever, but . . . yeah.
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That's a very big and very shitty story. I still <3s you. I don't think I have any more insightful questions in me right now though.
We will speak again soon!
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I wish I could be near you, and I wish I could make you comfortable enough to gve you lots and lots of snugs and cuddles, because DUDE, snugs and cuddles from me are SO not even on a planet near something resembling sexual.
You are a beautiful person, inside and out, but you've been hurt, both by people around you and by the part of you that is the most afraid. I think there is an anger under that hurt that probably scares you a little. (If I guessed incorrectly, do excuse me.)
However, that doesn't change anything in my eyes. I still think you are the bees' knees and a wonderful person. I hope very much that one day you will find people in your real, every day life who can show you affection you are able to accept.
Until then- ((((LOTS OF VIRTUAL HUGS FROM ME!!!!))))
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But. *virtual-hugs in a nonscary fashion lots*
Anyways. Actual question: book(s) that were the biggest formative influence as a child? Go!
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*hugs*
And thanks.
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Thanks.
It's--yeah. I'm just very private, unless asked direct questions. And, usually eventually I open up. I just--there's just some things I don't know if they're important to tell or not.
Heh.
*loves*
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Yay hugs!
Um.
A Little Princess, ohsomuch. So so so much. I was . . . aside from the richness and niceness, the storytelling part got me so much as a kid.
The Prydain Chronicles. They made me happy, and got me interested in general mythology a lot.
Um. General mythology--native american stories, greek myths--mainly those two. I tried Norse stuff, and just couldn't get my brain to go there.
Um. That's pretty much the big stuff that I remember loving and reading all the time.
Oh, and animal books/naturebooks/etc. I was gonna be a biologist.
*eyes chemistry* ahahaha.