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I have come to the startling realization that I wouldn't recognize happiness if it bit me on the ass--more than that, I have no idea what to do with it. The mere thought of having it makes me so uncomfortable I don't know what to do with myself--I hate change, and this would be new. I've been content before (and now all I'm thinking is 'be content broken' because it doesn't get more depressing than that), but now I'm just anxious all the time.
I keep thinking I've made the wrong decision somewhere, that my life wasn't supposed to be like this--like I'm barking up the wrong tree in what I'm trying to do with my life, but I can't think of anything else I'd enjoy even as much as this current job/school/teaching thing that's making me so miserable. I feel like that is even more sad than all the rest.
I want to feel competent. See, this is the disturbing thing--everyone else (well, mostly--my boss is sort of pissed at me, because I fell down on the job during finals, plus he scares me a little, and while I need to get over that, I haven't yet, so when I have to talk to him, my words fall all over themselves and sound stupid and inchoherent)seems to think I'm capable. Me, on the other hand, I feel like God's gift to idiocy at the best of times--like I need my hand held to do anything, because when I don't feel like absolute and utter shit I feel so fucking tentative that it's ridiculous--and . . .
I'm not weak, I'm not, but I feel like that all the time, as if I'm lying to myself about my capabilities and my worth as a human being, and I feel like such a nasty and unpleasant and mean person, and I keep thinking "why does anyone even bother talking to me, seriously" and that makes me even more pissed at myself, because how dumb do you have to be?
Also, I feel like everyone I know is talking about how I'm stuck up, or stupid, or incompetent, or ridiculous, or a loser, or whatever, and so I flinch every time someone else talks and I can't hear, or if people laugh, and that's stupid too.
I keep losing. I want to win, but I don't know how--or rather, I know what I have to do, but I'm too tired to do it. I'm tired all the time now, and I tried to talk to my folks (almost the only people I talk to now, because I've been slowly avoiding everyone else on the fucking planet--another sign of how bad this is getting, I suspect) and they were all 'you're not really depressed, it's no big deal', which reminds me of how they dealt with the two OTHER times I tried to tell them I was depressed, and that makes me feel worse, sort of.
And all of this pouring out makes me feel so damn juvenile. I really just need to get my head together and get a referral to 'see' someone professionally, because this constant up-and-down is, quite frankly, the most ridiculous waste of time in the history of ever.
I need to make more friends, I think. And I don't want to, because people make me uncomfortable, and kind of afraid, because I don't know what they'll do next, and usually just when I let my guard down and start acting like myself, that's the point where they go 'enough is enough, I'm getting away from the crazy chick now'.
I know it's bad when the thought of living to the age of 40 is completely overwhelming.
And now I feel like a whining, complaining freak. There have to be better coping mechanisms than this.
I keep thinking I've made the wrong decision somewhere, that my life wasn't supposed to be like this--like I'm barking up the wrong tree in what I'm trying to do with my life, but I can't think of anything else I'd enjoy even as much as this current job/school/teaching thing that's making me so miserable. I feel like that is even more sad than all the rest.
I want to feel competent. See, this is the disturbing thing--everyone else (well, mostly--my boss is sort of pissed at me, because I fell down on the job during finals, plus he scares me a little, and while I need to get over that, I haven't yet, so when I have to talk to him, my words fall all over themselves and sound stupid and inchoherent)seems to think I'm capable. Me, on the other hand, I feel like God's gift to idiocy at the best of times--like I need my hand held to do anything, because when I don't feel like absolute and utter shit I feel so fucking tentative that it's ridiculous--and . . .
I'm not weak, I'm not, but I feel like that all the time, as if I'm lying to myself about my capabilities and my worth as a human being, and I feel like such a nasty and unpleasant and mean person, and I keep thinking "why does anyone even bother talking to me, seriously" and that makes me even more pissed at myself, because how dumb do you have to be?
Also, I feel like everyone I know is talking about how I'm stuck up, or stupid, or incompetent, or ridiculous, or a loser, or whatever, and so I flinch every time someone else talks and I can't hear, or if people laugh, and that's stupid too.
I keep losing. I want to win, but I don't know how--or rather, I know what I have to do, but I'm too tired to do it. I'm tired all the time now, and I tried to talk to my folks (almost the only people I talk to now, because I've been slowly avoiding everyone else on the fucking planet--another sign of how bad this is getting, I suspect) and they were all 'you're not really depressed, it's no big deal', which reminds me of how they dealt with the two OTHER times I tried to tell them I was depressed, and that makes me feel worse, sort of.
And all of this pouring out makes me feel so damn juvenile. I really just need to get my head together and get a referral to 'see' someone professionally, because this constant up-and-down is, quite frankly, the most ridiculous waste of time in the history of ever.
I need to make more friends, I think. And I don't want to, because people make me uncomfortable, and kind of afraid, because I don't know what they'll do next, and usually just when I let my guard down and start acting like myself, that's the point where they go 'enough is enough, I'm getting away from the crazy chick now'.
I know it's bad when the thought of living to the age of 40 is completely overwhelming.
And now I feel like a whining, complaining freak. There have to be better coping mechanisms than this.